Señor Sex #27: The bulbous beat poet of sexual Scat-diddly-ociousness

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15 Feb 97 - 28 Jul 07

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This site wisely chosen as an adult-oriented site
of the day for June 5, 1996.

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#27:

The bulbous beat poet of scandalous Scat-diddly-ociousness

You are visitor number [an error occurred while processing this directive] since we bothered to keep count on March 31, 1996.

Next update: mid-January

Beat poetry, preventing gagging, auto-fellatio, more bent penises, circumcision pros and cons, semen volumes and condom basics ...
Señor Sex the peace-lovin' Beatnik of the sexual re-revolution. His make-love-not-war philosphy and his silky smooth caffeinated voice of reason always prevail over the crushing capitalistic fervor of libidinous oppression. Make him your latte buddy and he'll accompany you on the drums, spurting those luscious white pearls of milky wisdom like so many stanzas, making you the enlightened Grand Poobah of sexual grooviness. El Poet de Beat is always ready to hop on stage, play the bongos and clap along to the positive sounds of groovy, baby bodies flapping together like so many existential buttoxes.
E-mail Señor Sex with your questions, comments or sexual dysfunctions and he'll find an answer your problem. Please specify to Señor Sex whether you want your real name used and if you would like your e-mail address hyperlinked. You can also send him some fan mail or add your comments to the open-mike night of sexual correspondence.

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A Beat Poem
by El Senor:

Girl, girl, girl,

This Daddy-O, he's got his hands full

But that's okay,
because more than that's a waste...

Get me existential,
Get me in the mood,
Get me till I'm high
on Burroughs
And wankin' till it's 3.

Bop, bop, bop
Slapptitious in effect,
Beyond the void,
Beyond the sphyncter
Of a million pin-dropped ejaculations

Be-bop, di-bop.
I'm spent.
Time to start again,
girl, girl, girl

(sound of polite applause)

A side note to our friends: Seems like a long time since an update huh? Well, your humble host has been on a long sabbatical. But he's coming back in a few short weeks with new questions, new answers, and a new look. Watch for it.

-- Lackey #1

(June 20, 1998)
From Señor Sex:

It's high summer already and from where I sit, the weather just keeps getting worse. I would say it's too hot for sex, but it's NEVER too hot for sex. Just do it next to an open freezer.
Because it's dangerous to go outside when the temperatures in some states are up past 100, my advice is rediscover the nightlife. In fact, rediscover your inner pessimist with some beat poetry.
I thought I'd slip on my black turtleneck (the shirt, not the x-tra large condom brand) and reminisce about the good old Beat days, back when Kerouac and Burroughs were the big daddies and The Man was a soulless invisible being who pulled all the strings from behind the scenes, not some dork from Redmond, Washington, who peddles Windows software.
So let's take a moment to recognize the Beatniks who joined he Movement for more than just sex, all five of them, and rather than enjoying silence, say a little Scat to yourself and accompany it with a little private finger snappin'.
While you're doing that, please note that I did take an extended vacation from the site. Thank you for all the polite letters asking, "When the fuck are you going to update, you lazy wetback? I gotta find out how to keep from coming all over my girlfriend in under 10 seconds!"
Ha ha, my charming fans, how I love the little bastards so.
I won't promise the site will be updated every two weeks because, well, given the choice between doing that, and having real sex, I choose the sex. Regularly. So check in often, but not too often, or you may be disappointed unless I'm having an off week.
Until next time, keep misbehaving and writing questions asking about it.
Keep sending your questions to senor@senorsex.com address, and I will get to it as soon as I can.

The poetic waxer,
Señor Orgazamotapia

A young virgin is about to lose it:

She writes:
Dear Señor Sex,
I met a great guy over the Internet 10 months ago today. We've sent pictures (he's a great looking guy), talked on the phone, exchanged some gifts and cards, the usual. Late August, I have the chance to go see him. He lives in another state. Anyway, I have two questions for you from a virgin: first, what's the best way to keep from gagging when trying to give head? (He says he's around 6", so do I not really have to worry that much?) Also, I've heard some people have problems when having sex with virgin girls, that they're too tight to even get into. What do we do if that happens?

Your faithful servent,
Alli

Señor Sex responds:

The best way to keep from gagging is to not attempt to put his penis in your throat. Really, it's unneccessary. Yes, I'm sure you've read many stories about how a girl saw a beautiful 27 inch cock and promptly swallowed the whole thing. These stories are, sadly, not true. Besides, as I said, it doesn't matter. Unless your new net buddy has some rigid ideal about how head should be given, any licking, sucking, or slurping you do will probably be appreciated. If you feel like it, try taking as much as you can into your mouth. But if it gets uncomfortable, stop. He should understand. Besides, you'll probably have lots of time in your life for advanced techniques later, so for now, stick to the basics.
As for your fear of tightness... well, Sr. Sex has had his share of experiences here (and the shares of about 100 other men who are pretty angry about that). The sad truth is that there is almost always at least a little pain involved. You can, however take precautions... first, lots of foreplay can help ensure that you are properly lubricated. Next, relax. Start small. Try a finger, your own or his. Then maybe two (maybe even one of each!). When you can feel comfortable with that. Go for the real thing. Ask your gentleman friend to go slowly, and give you time to adjust. Using phrases like "Let me catch my breath, you huge stallion" will pretty much have him waiting until you do your hair and nails, if that's what you want.
Good luck and let El Señor know what kind of taste the experience left in your mouth.

Tasty as ever,
Señor Swallowed

bedbuddy.gif (21767 bytes)

Experiment with adjustable bed tools until you find the one that's right for you.

A guy who's pretty flexible about things asks about auto-erotica:

He wrote:
Dear Señor Sex,

What are the most pleasurable positions for auto-fellatio because I have recently discovered that I could reach my own penis. I am worried about getting back problems from this -- is this possible?

Thank you,
The Legion

Señor Sex responds:

Since you are describing one of the few things El Señor cannot accomplish, he can only guess that the best position would be one where your mouth comes in contact with the penis. Don't know what else to tell ya. From a purely phys-ed angle, I recommend stretching (um, your back) before and after to lessen the risk of injury. A Craftsmatic Adjustable Bed may help.
By the way, if you're part of the Legion, why do you have to fellate yourself? Is it because you have Lesions of some sort?

The flexible, but not that flexible,
Señor Sucked by Others

Bent penises are a running theme on this site. Check out SS# 5, SS# 15 and SS# 19 for more on the subject.

A man off center has benditure problems:

He writes:
My penis curves to the left about an inch from center. It's 6.75" long. My last girlfriend said it slammed her ovaries. She thought I had a big dick, almost too big. Is there a way I can straighten it out? Did it get this way from masturbation? I've done that a lot my whole life (I'm 33). Ever heard of this?

Damon

Señor Sex responds:

Penis curvature is normal and is not known to be caused by masturbation. The body is not totally symmetrical (especially if you happen to be a Supermodel or have limbs missing), and the penis is no exception Unless there is some structural problem that, say causes it to bend 90 degrees or turn into a nasty, evil hook, it's just something you'll have to address in your technique if someone complains about ovular impact. Other than that, you should have no problems and should treat your little friend like a regular, straight penis.
I would, however, suggest supplementing your income with bar bets involving urinating into a shot glass at an odd angle no one else can reach.

The straight-shootin',
Señor Slice

The Circumcision Resource Center offers links, advice and more knowledge than you'll find here about the subject.
And unlike this place, it's non-profit.

A man is curious about The Cut:

He writes:
Dear Señor Sex,

I really enjoy all your online issues, I find them very informative and entertaining. I bet there is a medium-sized staff that comes up with all those witty comments, answers, and suggestions. Here is my question:
Is there really much of a difference between a circumcised or uncircumcised penis in relation to sex issues? Also are you familiar with the condition of an uncircumcised penis where the foreskin overlaps so that the head has difficulty emerging (they have a scientific name for this term)?

Thanks,
Sexually curious

Señor Sex responds:

Yes, El Señor has heard of this, however, he does not know the name. Sounds like a real bummer though. I imagine it could be 'cured' with a simple snip-snip, but a doctor should be consulted. This is not an X-Acto knife and bottle of vodka kinda thing here. I mean, it's your penis, for Peter’s sake.
You bring up an interesting question about differences in performance. It had always been said that it was mainly an aesthetic thing, as hygiene questions could be solved with careful washing. However, a new study that made news recently suggested that circumcised men masturbate more (this is good), consider that they have better sex lives, and overall seemed to have less sexual dysfunction. Now, there are no answers about whether this is because they had no foreskin, per se, or because the other group has problems stemming from being uncut in a society where turtlenecks are not considered everyday attire. The point is, if done to an infant, there really seem to be no negative effects on the child, and perhaps there are benefits later in life.
But as for usefulness, they're about the same – uncircumcized men just need to take better care and attention to theirs.
And thanks for the comment about my "medium staff," but it’s actually a very large staff and I use it quite proficiently, hence the site and the reputation.

A cut above the rest,
Señor Staffy

For more on the life of sperm, check out SS# 19, The Wily Fisherman of the Sexual Sea.

An man concerned about bodily fluids writes:

He writes:
I have been dating my girlfriend for a year an a half, and the sex is great, but something intrigues me.What is the determining factor for the volume of semen a man produces, and at what rate he produces it? Is it dietary? Is is hereditary? She and I live about an hour apart, so most of our sex is on the weekends. But even if the in-between time is the same, sometimes it squirts like a firehose (over her head, in her hair, etc.) and sometimes it just splats onto her stomach (or ass, as the case may be). Thought you might know the answer. Keep up the good work on your site.

The Fireman (sometimes)

Señor Sex responds:

El Señor’s experiences say that when having sex with a partner, volume increases with emotion (be it lust, love, whatever.) The flip-side was that volume increases inversely to time with masturbation. Diet is probably as good a guess as any, though from experience I would say that the intensity of the sexual workout, as well as recent (hours and days) activity is the biggest factor. I've also found that the longer the pumping, the more you get from the well.
Much of this depends on the individual. We have in our society what we call "spurters" and we have "dribblers." Just as women ejaculate at varying degrees (some women get a little moist, others go off like a sprinkler when the have orgasms), the intensity of an ejaculation and volume of semen can vary.
Just remember, those testes of yours work pretty hard to produce those teaspoons of semen, so the more often you have sex, the less semen you should expect to see. If you’re looking for a firehose party, give it a few days’ rest and then watch that sucker flood the room.

Simply Saucy,
Señor Semenator

Want the straight dope on condoms and discounts to boot? Check out Condomania.

A woman interested in condoms wrote in:

She writes:
Dear Señor Sex,

My boyfriend and I are both virgins. We've been together for a long time, and we're both ready for sex, but the only things either of us know about it comes from what we've read and experimentation. Finding out what pleases the other hasn't been hard; in fact, it's pretty fun. But we don't think trial and error is good when it comes to protection.
Disease won't be a problem, but I'm not ready to be pregnant. My friend told me that she had sex only twice, using condoms, and she got pregnant. What could go wrong? It seems like the only thing you'd need to use a condom is common sense. Are there a whole lot of things that a couple has to keep in mind when using one? I realize that my question is elementary, and I appreciate you taking the time to answer.
That's all. And by the way, your site is really entertaining. Un million de gracias.

Anonymous

Señor Sex responds:

Yes, your question is basic. But the basics are very important. In this, case it could be life or death. Congrats on having the courage to ask. Figure out which way it goes, place it on the tip, and roll down – you can often find instructions on the condom boxes. But there are a few other things to be careful of.

Condoms should be stored in an appropriate place (see package for details) In a wallet or pocket is bad, because the heat from the body can break them down

Be careful when opening the package. Don't just tear it open. Squeeze the condom to one corner, then rip the other side.

When applying, be sure to pinch at the top to keep air out and make a reservoir for the juice. Roll down carefully. Do not use teeth.

After ejaculation (hey, I'm writing like a manual, I'm gonna use technical terms), the condom should be held at the base during withdrawal (don't wait until it gets soft), and the condom removed and disposed of.

Rinse, repeat if necessary.

The listkeeper,
Señor Sex

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